Love and My Other Cynical Thoughts

Love, they say, is undying. Unpredictable. Unconditional. Blind. Some of my friends are in love. Or so they think. Or rather, they tell me. I can never tell if they're trying to convince me or themselves. Could be a little of both, for all I know. Isn't reassurance a part and parcel of the game? Yes dear, you're playing the game right. No dear, forgetting our anniversary isn't acceptable. Of course love, why wouldn't I want to spend ridiculous amounts of time and energy leaving post-it notes in random places for you to find? Not at all love, I don't think it's pointless in the least to buy that horrendous vase which will neither see the light of day in our already cramped apartment, nor be gifted away to make room for actual furniture.


Now, I understand there's a large population of people out there who are quite satisfied and content in their relationships. Good on you! You've managed something that is now fast becoming a rarity in this cynical world that thrives on everything from flirtationships (I kid you not, that's actually a thing now) to marriages that are holding on due to sheer societal pressure. It honestly has my mind boggled as to how two people find each others' imperfections perfectly suited to theirs and to commit to those imperfections for a lifetime. What if you one day get really annoyed by the way your better half chews their food? Or swallows water? Or breathes through the mouth when they're sick? How do you live with someone day in and day out, and still find things to talk about? Don't even get me started on the couples who text each other during the day, despite living with each other. Kudos to you if you have things that simply must be said to each other that can't wait 8 hours. I mean, all I can think of that will be that urgent is, "Hi honey. I may be having a stroke, could you possibly nip down to the hospital and be my emergency contact? Thanks! XOXO". And even the Xs and Os are pushing it. Kudos to you for finding that person. I know how difficult it is to find someone who will be willing to be my emergency contact. My mother's number is unreachable for the major part of the day. My best friends think I live too far out in the city, so much so that even the prospect of a sleepover isn't worth their time. So much for true love. Damn you Frozen, damn your sibling-act-of-true-love nonsense.

True Love. There's a hilarious concept. How does anyone know if their love is true? What is fake love? People are too messed up with the love they have for themselves, how on earth do they know if the love they have for someone else is true or not? Is there a True-Love-O-Meter? I'd like one. That would be cool to own. You wouldn't have to wait months and years in a relationship to figure out if you're with "The One". That being said, I don't understand the concept of waiting for "The One" either. Don't get me wrong. I'm positively dotty about the romantic idea of "The One". I just don't think "The One" exists. There are other numbers too. In fact, if you recall, they stretch to infinity. So, how then, does anyone know if "The Other" is "The One".

I also don't understand the idea behind people waiting for the object of their affections to reciprocate said affection. Life isn't a Bollywood movie. Life is a newspaper. You have your scandals on the front page, ugly turmoils in the inner pages, some whimsical trivia that make up a few laughs in random intervals and a lot of passionate pun-some play in the sports section. Sudoku, then, would make up one's love life. The perfect agonizing combination of guesswork meeting strategy.

Coming to strategy. Everyone has that one friend who will give you the best tactical advice on love. A thorough play-by-play on what move should be played when. How long to play coy. How long to flirt innocently. How long to make your intentions clear. How many dates before the first kiss. How many months before the F word is dropped. [That would be "Future", you filthy minds.] Except, have you also noticed, this aforementioned friend will never acknowledge the exact number of people they've dated or been interested in? Why are we still listening to this friend? No, really. I honestly don't get it. Nobody asks the couple who have survived scores of hardships and still managed to stick together. We ask the moron who has survived scores of bad relationships. We sure must be a masochistic race.

I hope you're laughing. Okay, maybe that's a long shot. Well then, I hope you're amused by my cynicism, at least, and are smiling. And if you are, I'm glad. That gives me hope. Maybe all isn't lost. Maybe, just maybe.

Or, you're just in an inebriated state of mind and everything's amusing you. Ah well, as long as you're happy. Cheers. Animated Disney movies have some major answering to do.